I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
