I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
