You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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