whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
