Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
