Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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