sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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