After last night, I could never be a politician.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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