he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
