u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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