So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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