My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
