well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
