All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
