and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize