Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
