Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
