I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
