You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
