i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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