You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
zippers are such a cool invention
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
