I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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