I think I won the penis lottery.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
