remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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