mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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