I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
A+ Viking dick
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize