Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
