She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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