The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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