"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
