Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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