you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
