if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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