I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
