the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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