Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
