She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize