Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
