he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
