I'm sorry my penis didn't work
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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