i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
