angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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