I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
