saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You brought string cheese to the strip club
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