he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
