I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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