I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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