I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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