I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
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