My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
