Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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