i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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