my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
