wanna go halves on a baby?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
