I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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