So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Randomize
