yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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