The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
