i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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