I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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