I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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