he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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