So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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