shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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